I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
