Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
