He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You've changed since you got that strap on
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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