They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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