This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
