Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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