You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
