pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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