There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
