Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
