i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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