That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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