perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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