I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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