we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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