around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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