I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
