She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
