I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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