my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
