Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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