im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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