wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
ok first of all what the fuck
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
