He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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