You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
