the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
