I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
