we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
