Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
