the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
