So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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