Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
