At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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