we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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