the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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