When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
