Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
