Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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