OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
