me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
