I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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