Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I smell like Dick and happiness
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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