i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
