Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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