3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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