My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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