I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
