Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
In America we eat man semen.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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