my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
