This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
