We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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